What’s the point of love? What is love? Why is love so painful?
Questions that I believe everyone has asked or will ask in their life. Questions that probably never get answered. I wish sometimes I could pick the minds of the smartest people, and find some clue as to what they believe.
Love to me is not an emotion. An emotion seems simple. When you are angered, the emotion flows through with little to no confusion. When you are happy, it doesn’t seem a huge mystery as to why you feel that way. When you are sad, you feel the weight of the current dilemma upon you. So what is love then? You can feel it, but understanding it is beyond most of if not everyone’s grasp.
Example; the people you love can and will do painful things to you, but you go on with this weird dependence on them. It’s like, the more painful the action, the more powerful love you feel towards someone. And many other feeling rear their head when something like this happens with someone you love. You feel hurt because of some type of betrayal. You feel confusion trying to wrap your head around why it happened and how could they do that to you. You feel small and petty because of the deceit. You feel worried or lost like you don’t know the path back to happiness.
Love is truly greater than an emotion. I believe that is an unseen force that we tap into around certain people. It creates a bond with them and higher plain connection is made. Almost like some type of spiritual connection with another individual. Maybe there are some of us that are just supposed to connect on this plain. Maybe we can with just about anyone, but we have no knowledge of how to accomplish this task. Like a pure metaphoric garden of eden that brought us innocence and love. A task we should be able to delve into with little to no effort, but we cannot anymore.
For what ever reason, love hurts just as much as it brings us happiness.
I love a woman. One who I have expressed to many times my true devotion to. A woman who has given me so much, but has brought me so much pain. Life is a learning process. I have learned how to be in love wrong. I mistrust. I doubt. Now, I must relearn. I learned this through years of pain that I helped cause. I have done as much as her to hurt the relationship. But I know, that anything can be fixed if those involved want it to be. She….does not.
She runs from me. Maybe the fear of success scares her, like what will happen if we actually succeed. Will something really bad happen. Maybe the fear of failure worries her. Maybe the fear of the unknown. I don’t know. I cannot answer for her. I can only share how I feel.
The more she tries to run, the more I yearn to be there. To show her that it’s ok to fear. It’s ok to be upset. A relationship is not perfect. Everyone argues, everyone fights. And sometimes, a couple hurt, needs to relearn how to love.
I know that no matter what happens, if I don’t relearn, nothing will work out for me. That I will make the same mistakes.
I feel inadequate because of all of this. I feel as a second choice, an option kept open just in case. I feel helpless because the decision was never agreed upon by me. I had no power. I had no say. It is just what it is and I must accept. That is the hardest part.
Why? Because I may be an ass at times, and I may make a ton of mistakes, but I quickly recognize them and try to make things right for the most part. I try. Those 2 words mean more than anything else. I never give up. I try. Some people just don’t understand try and want do. Those people are the ones who will continually be let down. Because no one can always just do.
Love seems to not be created but replicated by us from this unseen force. This wavelength we tap into and that feels us with a great deal of emotions all at once. I feel sometimes it may be the greatest thing in the world, but at the same time, it is pure evil.
Love seems at it’s most felt when something has gone wrong with a relationship. When one tries to run and the other stays to hold up the world the two built, no matter how eschewed it is, love is at it’s worst.